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Anger arises when something that you value feels threatened. No matter how healthy your marriage, you will inevitably from time to time read your spouse as saying or doing something that appears to challenge one of your values--trust, being listened to, closeness, reliability, safety, fairness--or your valuables--your time, your money, your sense that you are a good person. Feelings of anger erupt especially if getting what you value involves getting someone else, in this case your spouse, to do what you want. Anger and controlling others go hand in hand.

More intense angry feelings convey urgency. They tell you that a problem requires your immediate attention. Intense anger turns the stop sign into something more like the screech of a fire alarm or the wail of an ambulance siren. Full scale anger turns up the volume to be sure that people pay attention NOW. The anger alarm warns you that someone is doing something that you do not want them to be doing--or not doing something you want them to do. At the same time anger grabs the attention of the person you feel mad at, forcing them to listen to you..

Intense anger propels you into an altered state of consciousness, a state as different from normal day to day good humor as a cocaine high is from a non-drugged state. In this altered state, how you view the world changes. Your ability to hear others' concerns diminishes. In its place, you feel determined to get what you want at any price. Alas, however, anger can be expensive. Charging forward in anger, and even dealing with difficulties with quiet irritability, mostly makes trouble.

Kate and Tanner, an affectionate and immediately likable mountain town couple realized that anger was causing major havoc in their relationship. They first experienced Tanner's capacity for intense anger early in their marriage.

Kate remembered the first time she ever saw her husband erupt in full-scale anger. Roundly pregnant, she was trying to drive a golf cart. Her many nieces and nephews were having great fun all trying to pile on at once, when with the unbalanced weight of so many active bodies, the cart began to wobble.

Kate's husband Tanner panicked. Envisioning the cart toppling over, his pregnant wife and as yet unborn baby getting crushed, he erupted in fury, gesticulating and shouting angrily at the children to get off immediately.

Tanner's anger emptied the cart at once, the children's delight turning to chagrin. Still in his anger mode, Tanner started to lecture the children. Only gradually, as he realized that the danger had long been averted, did he let the children be.

Later, Kate and Tanner talked over the incident, which had for different reasons given them both much to think about. Tanner confided how the incident told him how strongly he treasured his wife and how protective already he felt toward the yet to be born infant. At the same time they agreed that there had been no urgent danger. Tanner could have told the children nicely to climb down from the cart without frightening them with his anger. They realized how easily Tanner's anger could become excessive.

In sum, anger alerts you to problems. In emergency situations, whether the problem is a physical danger, a moral injustice, or an invasion of territory, anger mobilizes you for immediate action. In most marriage situations, however, there is no immediate emergency. The best response to anger is to stop and think. As your anger calms, you can begin information-gathering and quiet dialogue. By contrast, if you or your spouse deal with routine life situations with angry voices, bullying insistence, or, like Tanner, excessive inflammability, you are mis-using your anger.

"Back to Chapter V: Anger as a Stop Sign"

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