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Chapter V: Anger
as a Stop Sign

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The Power of Two details the communication and conflict-resolution skills that happy couples use to deal with differences.

• Cooperative dialogue

• Conflict resolution strategies

• Shared decision making

• Expressing and receiving anger

• Recovering after upset

• Helping when your partner has a problem

• Making a good marriage great

"As a brief therapist who works within managed care contracts, I assign Power of Two homework reading to bring about rapid yet lasting change. Couples quickly learn to interrupt negative patterns and get back on track. That's gold." Barry Sroloff, Ph.D., clinical psychologist in private practice, Denver

"I recommend to my couples that they purchase two copies of The Power of Two. Each spouse highlighting the passages relevant to his/her own growth concretizes the idea that a strong couple consists of two individuals, each responsible for their own contributions to the partnership."
Barbara Ellman, LCSW, co-author of Feminist Family Therapy

"...lucid. user-friendly format."
Arnold Lazzarus, author of Multi-Modal Therapy

"...teaches the skills that make marriages successful."
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

"...an outstanding guide."
Monica McGoddrick, author of Genograms in Family Assesment, The Changing Family Life Cycle

From the book The Power of Two:
Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage

Part 1
The Basics of Collaborative Dialogue

The main way that couples enjoy and accomplish, or disrupt, the business of living together is through the exchange of words. Talking together signals that you want to share your experiences with each other, that you value each other's input, and that you care about each other. What you say and hear as you talk with each other becomes your shared world. Your teamwork in running your household depends on your ability to give and take information. Your tone of voice and words convey your attitude toward each other -- liking, respect, or irritation. Connecting by talking, like sexual connecting, both expresses and consolidates your relationship.

When your dialogue feels safe, loving, and satisfying, your relationship feels like a good one. If talking together becomes dominating, tense, rude, or bruising, the relationship feels less secure and less appealing. Moreover, since verbal interaction occurs doing so much of the time you spend together, and is essential to the business of living together, how you talk to each other becomes the single best indicator of the health of your relationship.

Public peace versus battle on the home front

By the time most people are old enough to hold a job, they have developed reasonably good skills at cooperative interaction. Few adults fight with friends, neighbors, colleagues -- or for that matter, anyone outside the family circle. Most of us know enough about the guidelines for civil interactions to keep our public persona friendly and cooperative.

What changes when we go home? Family life requires considerably more shared decisions than friendship does: when to come to the dinner table, how much money to spend on what, who gets to do what when. All these issues and many more need joint agreement. The more issues -- many of which touch highly charged and emotionally sensitive concerns like power, money, sex, self-esteem, and personal autonomy -- the more likely conflict is to erupt.

$15.95 Book ISBN 1-57224-059-8 (paper, 1997)

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