Books, CD’S, DVD’s

From the audiotape
Anxiety: Friend or Foe.

To understand anxiety, let's picture two dogs and one bone. One very meaty, juicy, attractive-to-a-dog bone. And two big, strong dogs. What are the dogs likely to do? There are basically four options. If you were one of those dogs, what would you do? One dog can growl and attack. In human terms, what would we call the emotion that dog is feeling?

Aggression. The action is aggression, and we would call the feeling anger.

Dog number two. Dog number two sees dog number one attacking and quickly sits down or even lies down or rolls on its back. What is that submission action going to cause in the way of a feeling if that dog were a person?

Depression. What you experience when you feel powerless and give up on getting what you want.

So far, we have anger from attacking and depression from submitting. One dog might take a look at that bone, want it, take a look at the other dog who is growling, turn around, and head away. He could go somewhere else and do something else so he's no longer thinking about the bone that looks so delicious and juicy. What's that equivalent to in human behavior?

Avoidance or flight. And avoidance, coupled with doing something else so you won't think about what you ran away from, is the prototype for addictive behaviors. For turning off and running to take a drink, take drugs, overeat, overwork, watch TV. These are all enterprises that enable people to get distracted once they have chosen a flight response to a conflict.

That leaves one more option for our dog. In fact, for both dogs. The first dog could growl, giving off a warning signal that he wants the bone. The second dog could growl, giving off an equal warning signal that he wants the bone. Growl, growl. The dogs are hovering around the bone. They don't really want to get into a fight so neither of them attacks the bone nor the other dog. Nor do they want to give up on the bone. So they stay there, and hover and growl. What would you call the emotion that they would be feeling if they were people?

Anxiety. Anxiety arises in response to a conflict situation when you feel poised in a situation with no acceptable action options. Anxiety is associated with immobilization in the face of a troubling situation.

$14.95 One audiotape 65 minutes ISBN 1-884998-08-9
$19.95, One CD 65 minutes

From the audio tape
Conflict Resolution for Couples

How can couples prevent conflict, resolve conflict, or wipe up after conflict if it emerges? That's our topic today.

Let's not start, though, by talking about marriage or conflict. Let's talk about the weather. Let's talk about climate. Would you prefer to live in a climate with thunderstorms, wind, and dark drizzle, or a climate of warm sunshine? I think most people would prefer warm sunshine. There can be a little bit of variety. We don't need unremitting blue skies. Generally, though, the climate within the home is most comfortable for people if it is mostly sunny.

We have air conditioning and heating so that in our homes the physical climate stays stable and comfortable. This talk today is to help keep our emotional zone equally comfortable. We will be talking specifically about conflict or disruptions to that comfortable climate zone as it applies to couples. The same principles apply to relationships between parents and children, friends, work relationships. Still, our focus today is on conflict prevention, resolution, and clean up for couples.

What do we mean by conflict? Usually when people think of conflict, they think of fighting. Today's discussion goes beyond fighting, because conflict can be expressed within a home in a number of ways. By conflict, I mean times when there are differences -- differences of opinion, differences between what people want, or differences of any sort that create friction. Those differences could be expressed in anxious tension, in somebody feeling depressed, in arguments, fighting, or even violence.

Clearly, there are levels of escalation when we are talking about conflict. Conflicts can be discussed in quiet dialogue, get more heated, or can erupt in attempts to injure each other. Hopefully, with the skills we will learn today, escalations that become hurtful can be eliminated. We will learn to utilize conflict as an opportunity for building collaboration, cooperation, warmth, affection and caring -- those elements that give us a sense that our home is a source of comfort and sunshine.

$19.95 Two-tape audio set 108 minutes ISBN 1-884998-07-0
$19.95 One CD 65 minutes

From the book
David Decides About Thumbsucking

My name is David. I want to ask you a hard question. Have you ever found yourself doing something you like and don't like at the same time?

I have. I like to suck my thumb. It feels good. When I'm bored, my thumb goes in my mouth. Sucking keeps me busy. When I feel sad, like after a fight with my mom, sucking makes me feel better. When I'm tired, sucking my thumb stops my fussing.

Most of all, at night, my thumb sucks me to sleep. But ... I don't like anyone to see me with my thumb in my mouth. Sucking is for babies, and I'm getting big.

Still, that thumb does feel good when I want it.

One night when Dad sat on my bed to kiss me goodnight he told me, "David, maybe it's time to stop thumbsucking."

I was mad. I put my thumb in my mouth. I pulled my blankets up over my head.

In a few minutes, I felt calmer. Dad leaned toward me. He whispered, "David. Talk to your sister and brother. Ask them if they ever sucked their thumbs."

From the audiotape
Depression: A Disorder of Power

Depression produces feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. Depressed feelings are triggered by a situation in which a person gives up on getting something of felt importance.

Treating Depression with a Conflict-Focused Visualization.

The following visualization, illustrated on the audiotape Depression: A Disorder of Power, can powerfully combat depressed moods. Designed for therapists to use with patients, the visualization may also be used as a self-help technique.

The depressed person closes his/her eyes, and the therapist asks the following questions, leading the depressed person through six re-empowering steps.

If you are doing the technique as self-help, you might ask a friend to read you the questions at each step. Alternatively, open your eyes to read each question, and then close them again to observe the images that come up on your visual screen.

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Identify the conflict. "If you were going to be mad at someone, or at something, not yourself, notice what image comes up of who you could be mad at."
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Fill in the details. "In that scene, what do you see him (her) doing? How do you respond? What do you want? What do you feel, and think?"
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Check relative sizes. "Who appears bigger, you or the other? By a little, or by a lot." Note: if there are no size discrepancies, you are not dealing with depression, or have not yet identified the depressogenic situation.
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Alter the sizes, increasing the patient's sense of power. "Picture yourself suddenly growing very tall, like Alice in Wonderland, shooting way up tall."
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Broaden the database."From this new height, from this perspective, what can you see now that you may not have noticed before when you were small?"
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Find new solutions. "Knowing what you now know, from this bigger size, what are some new ways you might handle the problem to be more effective in getting what you want?"

Note: This protocol can reestablish normal power, eliminate the negative thinking of depression, and reestablish a sense of positive humor and well-being. For well-being to be sustained, however, the pattern of depressogenic interactions needs to be changed. For this reason, when depressogenic conflicts occur with a spouse, both partners need to be included in the therapy process so that both make the changes necessary for cooperative, rather than dominant-submissive, interacting.

$14.95 One audiotape 45 minutes ISBN 1-884998-09-7
$19.95, One CD 65 minutes

From the book
From Conflict to Resolution
On shared decision making:

Barbara frames the problem. "Let's go out for dinner." When Charles expresses an opposing wish, "I'd rather fix dinner at home," the two proposals seem wholly incompatible. At that point the conflict seems to be heading toward a power struggle, toward positional bargaining. The outcome would then be a winner and a loser, that is, a zero sum game, or at best a compromise in which each side wins some and loses some.

Instead of proceeding with a contest of wills, Charles and Barbara follow an alternative route, a cooperative route. Their transition is accomplished by shifting the discussion to the level of concerns. Barbara wants food that is fast, light, in a cheerful place, and without kitchen work. Charles wants to relax at home, to see the TV news. Both Charles and Barbara strongly want their concerns to be met; their initial positions were suggested as a means to that end. But instead of becoming over attached to their specific, initially suggested solutions, they overcome this temptation and switch to clarification of their underlying concerns. Solutions may be incompatible; concerns seldom are.

Once Charles and Barbara understand their underlying concerns, solutions easily become apparent. They enjoy an easy meal at home; Charles handles the preparation and cleanup; Barbara enjoys the kitchen brightness; Charles enjoys the TV news; both are pleased.

From Conflict to Resolution

Psychotherapy in Private Practice
"This is the book about how to do therapy I wish I had written (and also wish I could have written), but am happy just the same that someone has finally written it. Susan Heitler has done something many of us have been saying needs to be done properly, namely: to write a book about therapy which really does integrate diverse theories of personality, psychotherapy, and relationships and gives clear, specific guidelines for intervening and dealing with most of the major problems faced in everyday therapeutic practice. She has done it all, and done it in a manner which shows an outstanding grasp of the therapeutic process and what it may take to get people to change....I am not usually given to superlatives, but this book calls them forth. Heitler has established herself as a leader in what is evolving as an extraordinarily valuable integration of systems perspectives, cognitive and behavioral methodologies, and traditional views of personality and therapy."

James Flanders, Ph.D., the Vicksburg Clinic
"Quite simply, it is the best clinical psychology book I have ever read ... a seminal work."

Psychotherapy in Private Practice
"Heitler has established herself as a leader in what is evolving as an extraordinarily valuable integration of systems perspectives, cognitive and behavioral methodologies, and traditional views of personality and therapy."

Contemporary Psychology
"Heitler has a sense of moral responsibility. Her work goes beyond the 'getting in touch with yourself' of the 'me generation' to deal with issues of inter-relatedness ... to move beyond the use of aggression to win and instead channel that energy to develop ways of working together."

"This book exemplifies the best of therapy."

"... the clear style of writing and conceptualizing in this book, along with the wonderful array of approaches for problem solving make this a book with much to offer."

British Journal of Psychiatry

"... this is a modern, refreshing book ... a highly commendable read for all therapists, particularly those striving to practice in what they hope is an integrated way."

Psychotherapy
"... a comprehensive model of clinical work, a single framework capable of embodying all types of therapy with all types of clients ... The dramatic scope emerges as startlingly modern."

"... for some time now the myriad voices of eclecticism have cried for a serviceable infrastructure, a defensible and robust strategy for the integration of endlessly proliferating techniques. Heitler has given us such a framework. It arrives in the deceptively simple, pleasingly familiar, concept of conflict."

Donald K. Freedheim, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, Case Western Reserve University
"Heitler draws from a broad range of theoretical frameworks to produce a highly useful text ... replete with pertinent case examples that help illustrate the author's sensible approach ..."

$35.00 Two-tape audio set 107 minutes, ISBN 0-393-70151-4 (1992) Ordering

The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong and Loving Marriage
By Susan Heitler, Ph.D. and Abigail Hirsch, M.A.

Click here to read what The Rocky Mountain News says about The Power of Two Workbook.

What experts are saying about
The Power of Two Workbook

“Heitler and Hirsch’s The Power of Two Workbook is wonderfully sensible and use friendly, aimed at real people with the real problems of living together. It seems particularly designed for couples with pretty good marriages and very good intentions but with a faulty instruction book on relationships. This workbook is not only very wise, it is also optimist and a lot of fun.”

Frank Pittman, M.D.,
author of Grow Up! How Taking
Responsibility Can Make You a
Happy Adult

“Susan Heitler and Abigail Hirsch have written a gem of a book that will help couples, newlywed of long married, break out of the marital gridlock. No matter how solid your marriage, the skills and strategies clearly outlined here offer do-able ways to unscramble problems with which you’ve long struggled – as well as new ones that crop up along the way.”

Margery D. Rosen is
the author of several books on
marriage and relationships as well
as the long-running column, “Can
This Marriage Be Saved?” in
the Ladies’ Home Journal.

“This workbook is deceptively fun to fill out. The exercises help to develop skills that can make all the difference between a difficult marriage and a loving partnership.”

Marilyn Van Debur,
former Miss America author of
Miss America By Day

The Power of Two details the communication and conflict-resolution skills that happy couples use to deal with differences.

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Cooperative dialogue
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Conflict resolution strategies
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Shared decision making
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Expressing and receiving anger
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Recovering after upset
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Helping when your partner has a problem
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Making a good marriage great

"As a brief therapist who works within managed care contracts, I assign Power of Two homework reading to bring about rapid yet lasting change. Couples quickly learn to interrupt negative patterns and get back on track. That's gold." Barry Sroloff, Ph.D., clinical psychologist in private practice, Denver

"I recommend to my couples that they purchase two copies of The Power of Two. Each spouse highlighting the passages relevant to his/her own growth concretizes the idea that a strong couple consists of two individuals, each responsible for their own contributions to the partnership."
Barbara Ellman, LCSW, co-author of Feminist Family Therapy

"...lucid. user-friendly format."
Arnold Lazzarus, author of Multi-Modal Therapy

"...teaches the skills that make marriages successful."
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

"...an outstanding guide."
Monica McGoddrick, author of Genograms in Family Assesment, The Changing Family Life Cycle

From the book The Power of Two:
Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage

Part 1
The Basics of Collaborative Dialogue

The main way that couples enjoy and accomplish, or disrupt, the business of living together is through the exchange of words. Talking together signals that you want to share your experiences with each other, that you value each other's input, and that you care about each other. What you say and hear as you talk with each other becomes your shared world. Your teamwork in running your household depends on your ability to give and take information. Your tone of voice and words convey your attitude toward each other -- liking, respect, or irritation. Connecting by talking, like sexual connecting, both expresses and consolidates your relationship.

When your dialogue feels safe, loving, and satisfying, your relationship feels like a good one. If talking together becomes dominating, tense, rude, or bruising, the relationship feels less secure and less appealing. Moreover, since verbal interaction occurs doing so much of the time you spend together, and is essential to the business of living together, how you talk to each other becomes the single best indicator of the health of your relationship.

Public peace versus battle on the home front

By the time most people are old enough to hold a job, they have developed reasonably good skills at cooperative interaction. Few adults fight with friends, neighbors, colleagues -- or for that matter, anyone outside the family circle. Most of us know enough about the guidelines for civil interactions to keep our public persona friendly and cooperative.

What changes when we go home? Family life requires considerably more shared decisions than friendship does: when to come to the dinner table, how much money to spend on what, who gets to do what when. All these issues and many more need joint agreement. The more issues -- many of which touch highly charged and emotionally sensitive concerns like power, money, sex, self-esteem, and personal autonomy -- the more likely conflict is to erupt.

$15.95 Book ISBN 1-57224-059-8 (paper, 1997)

Can all conflicts be resolved cooperatively? At Power of Two, we believe the answer to that question is a clear and solid YES. With the skills of the win-win waltz, plus some creative thinking, you can transform all of your his way--her way differences into opportunities for finding gratifying our-way solutions.

Learn how to

* Talk about sensitive issues and evoke interest, not defensiveness
* Listen in a way that consistently enables both of you to feel heard
* Dialogue with productive yes-and strategies that keep you feeling like partners
* Turn arguments into opportunities for shared creative thinking
* Find win-win solutions for every marriage dilemma.

From the outline that accompanies the audiotape Working with Couples in Conflict

Part 1

Couples Therapy: Why are couple therapy skills essential for all therapists?

* Couple treatment is generally the best treatment option for individuals with problems if they are married, as well as for patients asking for marital counseling.
* Consequences can be serious for the spouse and for the marriage when married patients are treated with individual therapy without a marital component.

Essential premises

* Premise #1: Conflicts, within and between people, lie at the core of emotional distress.
* Premise #2: Therapy involves attention to three tasks.

1. Eliminating symptoms.
2. Guiding existing disturbing conflicts to resolution.
3. Coaching skills for handling subsequent conflicts.

* Premise #3: Whatever or whomever the conflicting entities, conflicts move to resolution via passage through the same three-step route.

1. The three steps

a. Expressing initial positions
b. Exploring underlying concerns
c. Creating win-win solutions
2. Critical conceptual distinctions

a. Concerns versus solutions
b. The impact of "but"
c. Positional bargaining from excessive attachment to initial solution suggestions (positions)
d. Importance of specificity and summarizing
e. One solution versus multiple solution options and solution sets
f. Breadth and depth of concerns and how these vary for different kinds of conflicts.