Conflict Resolution

From the book
From Conflict to Resolution
On shared decision making:

Barbara frames the problem. "Let's go out for dinner." When Charles expresses an opposing wish, "I'd rather fix dinner at home," the two proposals seem wholly incompatible. At that point the conflict seems to be heading toward a power struggle, toward positional bargaining. The outcome would then be a winner and a loser, that is, a zero sum game, or at best a compromise in which each side wins some and loses some.

Instead of proceeding with a contest of wills, Charles and Barbara follow an alternative route, a cooperative route. Their transition is accomplished by shifting the discussion to the level of concerns. Barbara wants food that is fast, light, in a cheerful place, and without kitchen work. Charles wants to relax at home, to see the TV news. Both Charles and Barbara strongly want their concerns to be met; their initial positions were suggested as a means to that end. But instead of becoming over attached to their specific, initially suggested solutions, they overcome this temptation and switch to clarification of their underlying concerns. Solutions may be incompatible; concerns seldom are.

Once Charles and Barbara understand their underlying concerns, solutions easily become apparent. They enjoy an easy meal at home; Charles handles the preparation and cleanup; Barbara enjoys the kitchen brightness; Charles enjoys the TV news; both are pleased.

From Conflict to Resolution

Psychotherapy in Private Practice
"This is the book about how to do therapy I wish I had written (and also wish I could have written), but am happy just the same that someone has finally written it. Susan Heitler has done something many of us have been saying needs to be done properly, namely: to write a book about therapy which really does integrate diverse theories of personality, psychotherapy, and relationships and gives clear, specific guidelines for intervening and dealing with most of the major problems faced in everyday therapeutic practice. She has done it all, and done it in a manner which shows an outstanding grasp of the therapeutic process and what it may take to get people to change....I am not usually given to superlatives, but this book calls them forth. Heitler has established herself as a leader in what is evolving as an extraordinarily valuable integration of systems perspectives, cognitive and behavioral methodologies, and traditional views of personality and therapy."

James Flanders, Ph.D., the Vicksburg Clinic
"Quite simply, it is the best clinical psychology book I have ever read ... a seminal work."

Psychotherapy in Private Practice
"Heitler has established herself as a leader in what is evolving as an extraordinarily valuable integration of systems perspectives, cognitive and behavioral methodologies, and traditional views of personality and therapy."

Contemporary Psychology
"Heitler has a sense of moral responsibility. Her work goes beyond the 'getting in touch with yourself' of the 'me generation' to deal with issues of inter-relatedness ... to move beyond the use of aggression to win and instead channel that energy to develop ways of working together."

"This book exemplifies the best of therapy."

"... the clear style of writing and conceptualizing in this book, along with the wonderful array of approaches for problem solving make this a book with much to offer."

British Journal of Psychiatry

"... this is a modern, refreshing book ... a highly commendable read for all therapists, particularly those striving to practice in what they hope is an integrated way."

Psychotherapy
"... a comprehensive model of clinical work, a single framework capable of embodying all types of therapy with all types of clients ... The dramatic scope emerges as startlingly modern."

"... for some time now the myriad voices of eclecticism have cried for a serviceable infrastructure, a defensible and robust strategy for the integration of endlessly proliferating techniques. Heitler has given us such a framework. It arrives in the deceptively simple, pleasingly familiar, concept of conflict."

Donald K. Freedheim, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, Case Western Reserve University
"Heitler draws from a broad range of theoretical frameworks to produce a highly useful text ... replete with pertinent case examples that help illustrate the author's sensible approach ..."

$35.00 Two-tape audio set 107 minutes, ISBN 0-393-70151-4 (1992) Ordering

The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong and Loving Marriage
By Susan Heitler, Ph.D. and Abigail Hirsch, M.A.

Click here to read what The Rocky Mountain News says about The Power of Two Workbook.

What experts are saying about
The Power of Two Workbook

“Heitler and Hirsch’s The Power of Two Workbook is wonderfully sensible and use friendly, aimed at real people with the real problems of living together. It seems particularly designed for couples with pretty good marriages and very good intentions but with a faulty instruction book on relationships. This workbook is not only very wise, it is also optimist and a lot of fun.”

Frank Pittman, M.D.,
author of Grow Up! How Taking
Responsibility Can Make You a
Happy Adult

“Susan Heitler and Abigail Hirsch have written a gem of a book that will help couples, newlywed of long married, break out of the marital gridlock. No matter how solid your marriage, the skills and strategies clearly outlined here offer do-able ways to unscramble problems with which you’ve long struggled – as well as new ones that crop up along the way.”

Margery D. Rosen is
the author of several books on
marriage and relationships as well
as the long-running column, “Can
This Marriage Be Saved?” in
the Ladies’ Home Journal.

“This workbook is deceptively fun to fill out. The exercises help to develop skills that can make all the difference between a difficult marriage and a loving partnership.”

Marilyn Van Debur,
former Miss America author of
Miss America By Day

The Power of Two details the communication and conflict-resolution skills that happy couples use to deal with differences.

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Cooperative dialogue
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Conflict resolution strategies
*

Shared decision making
*

Expressing and receiving anger
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Recovering after upset
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Helping when your partner has a problem
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Making a good marriage great

"As a brief therapist who works within managed care contracts, I assign Power of Two homework reading to bring about rapid yet lasting change. Couples quickly learn to interrupt negative patterns and get back on track. That's gold." Barry Sroloff, Ph.D., clinical psychologist in private practice, Denver

"I recommend to my couples that they purchase two copies of The Power of Two. Each spouse highlighting the passages relevant to his/her own growth concretizes the idea that a strong couple consists of two individuals, each responsible for their own contributions to the partnership."
Barbara Ellman, LCSW, co-author of Feminist Family Therapy

"...lucid. user-friendly format."
Arnold Lazzarus, author of Multi-Modal Therapy

"...teaches the skills that make marriages successful."
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

"...an outstanding guide."
Monica McGoddrick, author of Genograms in Family Assesment, The Changing Family Life Cycle

From the book The Power of Two:
Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage

Part 1
The Basics of Collaborative Dialogue

The main way that couples enjoy and accomplish, or disrupt, the business of living together is through the exchange of words. Talking together signals that you want to share your experiences with each other, that you value each other's input, and that you care about each other. What you say and hear as you talk with each other becomes your shared world. Your teamwork in running your household depends on your ability to give and take information. Your tone of voice and words convey your attitude toward each other -- liking, respect, or irritation. Connecting by talking, like sexual connecting, both expresses and consolidates your relationship.

When your dialogue feels safe, loving, and satisfying, your relationship feels like a good one. If talking together becomes dominating, tense, rude, or bruising, the relationship feels less secure and less appealing. Moreover, since verbal interaction occurs doing so much of the time you spend together, and is essential to the business of living together, how you talk to each other becomes the single best indicator of the health of your relationship.

Public peace versus battle on the home front

By the time most people are old enough to hold a job, they have developed reasonably good skills at cooperative interaction. Few adults fight with friends, neighbors, colleagues -- or for that matter, anyone outside the family circle. Most of us know enough about the guidelines for civil interactions to keep our public persona friendly and cooperative.

What changes when we go home? Family life requires considerably more shared decisions than friendship does: when to come to the dinner table, how much money to spend on what, who gets to do what when. All these issues and many more need joint agreement. The more issues -- many of which touch highly charged and emotionally sensitive concerns like power, money, sex, self-esteem, and personal autonomy -- the more likely conflict is to erupt.

$15.95 Book ISBN 1-57224-059-8 (paper, 1997)

Can all conflicts be resolved cooperatively? At Power of Two, we believe the answer to that question is a clear and solid YES. With the skills of the win-win waltz, plus some creative thinking, you can transform all of your his way--her way differences into opportunities for finding gratifying our-way solutions.

Learn how to

* Talk about sensitive issues and evoke interest, not defensiveness
* Listen in a way that consistently enables both of you to feel heard
* Dialogue with productive yes-and strategies that keep you feeling like partners
* Turn arguments into opportunities for shared creative thinking
* Find win-win solutions for every marriage dilemma.